I find meaning in life by caring. I care first for myself, then for others around me and then for my environment. I cultivate this care through practice; so that it can mature into a love that spreads in all directions, for all things and across all subjects. It is certainly not easy - sometimes requiring great suffering - but it is definitely worth it as through it I am also able to experience immense joy. The rewards of a well-rounded love are boundless, imparting a deep sense of peace and purpose in every single moment.
Self Care
The first step to living a life of love is to care for yourself. I've met many people who seem reluctant to start here, thinking it somehow makes them selfish or egotistical. In fact, there are many words that seem to warn us of caring too much for ourselves: narcissistic, self-centered, vain, stuck-up, conceited, arrogant, pompous, etc.
May I first say that these words do not automatically apply to you when you choose to care about yourself. You might have been called these names when you were first learning to practice self care, but I hope you can release these hateful words from your definition of self care as they were told to you by people who were also learning.
Although it is possible to care for others before you know how to care for yourself, I do not recommend it. You are the only person you know who's perspective you continuously have access to and can interpret. You are the person who is least likely to miscommunicate with you. Loving yourself is loving on easy mode (and it's not even that easy!). It is much more difficult to learn how to love another person, but if you don't take the time to understand and accept your own motivations, then understanding and accepting those of others can be a daunting task... or worst, you may simply call your sense of attachments by the name of "love" and miss out on what it means entirely.
There is certainly more I would like to say on the need to care for yourself before others. Perhaps I will go into more detail in future blog posts. I am reminded of the announcement on airplanes that if the oxygen masks fall, you must first secure your own before helping the person next to you. Perhaps it is easier for us to understand this concept in metaphors. You can not help another person to stand if both your legs are broken. The blind cannot describe a sunset to the blind. You need to crawl before you can run.
Self care can mean a lot of things to a lot of people. For me, it means a regular dedication to meditating, doing yoga and eating well.
Awareness
Cultivating a sense of awareness is a huge step in practicing self care. This is where you learn about how your thoughts and emotions intermingle; what it feels like to be hungry, thirsty and tired; what it's like to be sick or healthy.
Becoming aware allows you to react proactively. And it might seem simple, but it is something that causes many people to struggle.
For example, it is common for people to eat when they are thirsty or tired. People will continue to strain themselves when they are sick or injured and can aggravate their issue(s). They will laugh when they are afraid, express anger when they are sad.
Reacting from a lack of awareness can be harmful even if it is not always so... However acting from a point of awareness allows you to analyze your situation and respond appropriately.
Awareness also leads to self acceptance. There is no use in getting angry and upset if you need to pee. You just excuse yourself and go find a washroom. You know that when you have finished looking after yourself you can come back to whatever you were doing before.
Meditation helps a lot in developing awareness. Personally, I meditate around 10-30 minutes a day. Some days, I'll do more, but first thing when I wake up in the morning, I go sit cross-legged on my couch in the living room and set a timer for ten minutes. Sometimes I add a mudra with my hands to help give an intention to my meditation. To start, simply become aware of your breath. It doesn't have to be ten minutes. It can be 5 minutes or 1 minute. Just taking some time out of your day to be aware of yourself and your surroundings.
There are many kinds of guided meditations available on youtube or through apps. I recommend the app Calm. The free parts of this app are more than enough to help you include meditation in your daily practice of self care.
Activity
Regular activity allows the body to continue moving properly. Some activities allow you to enhance your body's performance as well. I personally enjoy practicing yoga as it also helps me develop my sense of awareness.
Nourishment
Similar to activity, nourishment is an essential part of self care as it allows the body to obtain and maintain health. I believe in Ann Wigmore's words:
“The food you eat can be either the safest and most powerful form of medicine or the slowest form of poison.”
Knowing which foods to eat is something people have been trying to figure out for at least as long as food science has existed, but probably much longer. It's not an easy process, and I suspect it's not even the same for everyone. It is a worthwhile journey, however, to figure out which foods keep you healthy and find ways to eat them regularly in the right amounts.
Self awareness can once again prove to be an essential tool in figuring out what works and what doesn't work for you.
Care for Others
Every creature requires its own unique kind of care. I see my responsibility in caring for others to be inversely proportional in that creature's ability to care for itself. The more a creature can look after itself, the less I need to do to care for it.
Quick math joke:
Care = (constant of care)/(creature's ability to care for itself) + (care we give anyways)
Loving Kindness
This is probably the first thing people think of when they think of loving and caring for others. It is a tenderness and consideration for others. In general, I practice friendliness and openness to others, while focusing on the ways I am similar rather than different. I also practice gratitude for others and often include positive thoughts for others in my evening meditations.
I very much like the idea of the 5 love languages by Gary Chapman. His books have a strong Christian theme, but his underlying message is relatable across cultures and belief systems: people express love for each other through 5 forms of care.
- Physical touch
- Words of Affirmation
- Gifts
- Quality Time
- Acts of Service
Assistance
As suggested by the love language "acts of service", assisting others is a form of care. If you survived infancy, it is thanks to a caregiver. Assistance is the recognition that others sometimes require help and providing that help to the best of your ability. Being of service to others cascades benefits through all areas of life. It releases endorphins, it creates a positive community, it provides a network of support. The way we assit others is what gives us our place among society and can lead to the most rewarding of careers.
Of course, people must also be willing to accept our assistance. It is not caring for us to force our help on others if it is not needed or wanted. Sometimes the greatest assistance we can offer someone is simply accepting and appreciating who they are and where they're at in their life. Do not assume you know best, ask if you are not sure the person would like help.
Recalling Self Care
It is noble to try and extend beyond your abilities when providing assistance, however if you do so too regularly without caring for yourself, it is possible to cause physical, psychological or emotional injury that will prevent you from being able to continue caring for others. Stay aware. Remember that you too are allowed to seek assistance if you need it.
Education
Teaching others to care for themselves is the ultimate form of assistance as it empowers them to move forward in life. You might think I am biased, being a school teacher, but really every person is able to be a teacher in some respect. We all have a perspective from which others can learn.
We cannot be there to assist others all the time, education is the only way to ensure that the person will continue to be taken care of. Sure it means that you might no longer be needed to fill that role of assisting them, but fear not: there is always someone in need of assistance and there are infinite ways to keep our loved ones present in our life.
Care of Environment
Caring for your environment is really an extension to caring for others. If you are capable of extending the love you have for yourself to others, then the next logical step is to also extend it to the spaces we all share.
Spaces can exist in multiple planes. There is physical space, such as your home and the places you go. There is virtual space, an invention of the 20th and 21st centuries. There is also mental space and emotional space. These spaces become much more obvious through the practice of meditation, yet they are most definitely experienced regularly by every conscious mind. The principals of Cleanliness, Appreciation and Exploration apply when caring for every form of environment and if you feel ready for it, I welcome you to become aware of the spaces you inhabit and cultivate your care for them.
Cleanliness/Maintenance
This is the process of finding, creating and maintaining order in the environment to increase a space's usefulness. Keeping your environment clean is similar to the principal of Assistance when caring for others and can lead to many of the same benefits experienced from assisting others.
Cleanliness of your room means you can find an outfit more easily. Cleanliness of your kitchen means you have safe food to eat. Cleanliness of your garden means your crops will grow. Cleanliness of a forest means the ecosystems are in balance and the creatures who live there continue to thrive. Cleanliness of your mind means you can easily recall facts when you are tested.
I very much like the way Mari Kondo describes tidying up as a process for showcasing the items in our life that "spark joy". Her descriptions align with my understanding of the emotional connections we can have for our physical environments.
Appreciation
Appreciating beauty and excellence in our environments is a form of awareness coupled with gratitude. It is transcendent, producing awe and wonder when you experience it and inspiring you to pursue your own goals with renewed vigor.
Creation
Creation seems to be a natural way to show appreciation of our environment. There are as many ways to be creative as there are ways of enjoying our spaces. And often, our creations can enhance our enjoyment of our environments.
Creation can also assist us in cleanliness and exploration.
Exploration
Exploration is how we increase our environments. Curiosity is a wonderful thing. As we discover new places, ideas, methods, foods, cultures, people, etc, we expand our experiences and our understanding of our existence. More becomes ever available to us and our capabilities seem limitless.
Thank you so much for reading my perspective on care. I feel like I have only barely scratched the surface of what it means to care and how to do it and I'm looking forward to hopefully writing more on these topics soon. Please, let me know if any of what I said peaked your interest and if there is anything you'd like to add.
And of course,
Take care